Top Ten Things To Be Wary Of In Campbeltown

Flooding

With so much water in the skies above us all the time, flooding is a real risk. Our cottages are located at the base of a very waterlogged hill and have flooded twice in the past 7 years. We have been provided with a large sandbag to protect ourselves. The only snag, it doesn’t currently contain any sand. For that, we must visit the beach.

Mice

Tiny field mice are ready and waiting to pounce on any food left out. They must be kept at arms length with electric anti mice devices, or failing those, poison and the good old fashioned mouse traps. There is nothing like the sight of a mouse with a broken neck, spiked through the head on a nail to cheer you up on a rainy morning.

Sheep

We’re surrounded by livestock on all sides, and they can wander not only onto the property at any given time if gates are left open, but also INTO the cottages if doors are left open. They are often found on the surrounding roads too, taking far more interest in their intake of grass than road safety. We’ve also seen sheep on the beach here.

Burst tyres

The track to the cottages is littered with small rocks. Great if you drive a Massey Ferguson 6490, not so great if you drive a Peugeot Partner with regular wheels.

Tractors

They are as common here as buses are on Oxford Street. We’ve seen a farmer parking his full sized tractor in the Co Op car park in town and nipping in to do his shopping.

Mud

It’s everywhere - in the car park, outside our laundry room, at the local playground in town, at the beach. Wellingtons are essential footwear at all times, somewhat ruining our cool urban look.

Upsetting the locals

Everyone here knows everyone, and everyone knows everyones business. Upset one Campbeltownian, upset them all. We’ve been warned not to slag off poor workmanship at the cottages (which is rather hard given their disheveled state) in town because of this fact.

Boredom

With so little here, and no way of easy escape to any nearby urban centre, this is probably Campbeltowns worst enemy. Visual stimulation is sorely lacking here, with the same drab images of fields, stone walls, grass and sheep burning into our retinas.

Hump back bridges

They’re everywhere, and seem to leap under the wheels from nowhere, launching us skyward, much to Rhett’s delight.

Deep fried food

It appears the Scots love it far more than the English. The battered sausage I had for lunch yesterday had more batter than one man can manage, and due to a terrible miscommunication between Twinkle and the man behind the counter, I somehow ended up with two to consume. Whilst it was totally fantastic, I could feel my arteries actually straining under the shear weight of fat, and at one point I caught sight of Twinkle actually ringing her chips out like a pair of soggy socks before eating them.

Other culinary delights that I might be forced to try - deep fried meat pie.